Archives for the month of: August, 2013

I just read my last post; I had to in order to remind myself of how positive and happy I was feeling, because tonight I feel battle-weary.

It’s been a tense week.  I’ve felt the atmosphere and have been waiting for the explosion.  I didn’t think it would happen until we got back from the ‘family’ holiday* we’re going on tomorrow.  I was wrong.  Every time I think we’re making some progress, he provokes an argument.  I’ve said it before; no doubt I’ll say it again.  Tonight I tried really, really hard to resist the provocation.  When he raised his voice, I left the room. I told him I was leaving the room because I wasn’t prepared to argue. He either followed me around goading me or shouted that I was doing what I always did, leaving him on his own and walking away.  So eventually, despite knowing I shouldn’t, I snapped.  When will I learn?

Some of the content tonight was:

  • I make him angry;
  • I have caused this situation because back in February I said I wasn’t happy;
  • I’ve made him extremely unhappy;
  • I should have taken him to a restaurant when I got back from our holiday home;
  • I listen to music (there’s a new one!);
  • I shouldn’t go out four nights a week;
  • I should give up dancing;
  • He’s read about women like me (although he didn’t elaborate on this);
  • It’s my fault he’s like he is because I’ve made him like that;
  • I’m to blame for the state of our relationship, it’s all my doing and we have no future.

The latter is a threat and destabilises me.  I suppose it’s fear of the unknown.  I read somewhere that change represents a loss, and that’s why it’s so difficult.

Then of course there was also the twisting of my words so that they became weapons used against me.

He was nasty to our eldest daughter in front of her boyfriend (what must he think?) making her cry so that eventually they left to stay at his place.  She’s not coming on holiday with us so I wanted to see her tonight and tomorrow morning.  Our youngest daughter was naturally upset as well.  When I go to comfort them, he accuses me of taking their side.

He says he wants our relationship to work but that I have to change.  If he wants it to work, why does he force an argument the evening before we go away when we potentially have the opportunity to create some kind of harmony?  How does he think that being argumentative and nasty and upsetting everyone is going to improve the situation?  It’s like trying to bully me into submission.

Although I’m aware that this is all textbook stuff, a small but significant part of me is feeling uneasy and that maybe I am to blame, that I’m making the situation worse.

And another part of me thinks that in the future maybe everything could be all right and that if I do change in the way he wants, it will be OK and we’ll return to how we used to be.

But another part of me thinks I’d be better off without him.

I think I might need to talk to a counsellor when I get back.

 

* This is a holiday that husband likes – we all like it – but it is a holiday that allows an illusion of togetherness whilst we all do our own thing.  He said that he thought it best if I didn’t come, which would break daughter’s heart, and I know that he would be furious if I said “OK, I won’t”.  Again, it’s a veiled threat.  I’m finding these ‘games’ so tedious and exhausting.

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The break is over and it was fantastic!

Why?

Because I could completely relax.  I didn’t have to worry about doing or saying the wrong thing.  I didn’t have to worry about being disapproved of.  I didn’t have to worry about treading on eggshells.  I didn’t have to worry about predicting someone else’s reactions.  I didn’t have to cope with someone else’s moods and negativity.  I didn’t have to apologise for being me.

I spent three weeks with my 17 year old daughter and we both had a wonderful time.  We were together 24/7 and we got on brilliantly.  We were spontaneous.  We took no notice of the time.  We laughed and enjoyed ourselves.  We ate out, we slept when we wanted to, we went dancing, we listened to music, we painted the house.  It was so easy.

Husband and I had no contact.  He didn’t text me and I didn’t text him.  I had a warmer welcome back from my dancing friend than I did him.

When I was away, I felt liberated, free to be myself, and it was wonderful.

But now it’s back to the same old…

And I’m on edge, but fighting the feeling, reminding myself that there’s nothing wrong with living and being happy.

Life is precious and must be celebrated!