I had another appointment with the counsellor today and when I came out Katy Perry’s ‘Roar’ was playing on the radio – how appropriate.

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar

Today we considered the conflict in my head and why I feel the need for husband’s approval, to the point where I will stop being myself in order to please him.  My rational mind knows it’s all right to be me yet there’s an illogical part pulling in the opposite direction.  I came to the conclusion that if I’m seriously contemplating walking out of this ‘marriage’, then why am I still so bothered about what he thinks.  Why do I tread on eggshells trying to keep the peace?  Why do I fear arguments?  What am I scared will happen if I allow myself to be me?  I can’t give any sane answer to these questions!  He is using my fears to control me – and I am allowing this to happen.

So during the forthcoming week before my next appointment, I am going to give myself permission to be me.  I am going to honour myself.  It doesn’t matter about the consequences – who knows, there might not be any – but if there are, I am strong enough to deal with them. 

I am not responsible for husband’s feelings, nor can I make them ‘better’.  He has to take responsibility for them and deal with them himself.

I’ve put a daily reminder in my phone, which says ‘Be true to yourself‘.  This is what I’m going to practise this week.

I’m dancing through the fire.

 

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