I survived yesterday’s lunch with husband.

But it was hard.

There’s obviously so much wrong with our relationship and yet he doesn’t say anything.  I’m obviously not myself and yet he doesn’t say anything.  He’s obviously not happy and yet he doesn’t say anything.

And I can’t.  I can’t because whenever I’ve tried to discuss it in the past, I’ve been silenced, silenced by anger and recriminations. So I’m afraid to say anything.

So we talked about the children and the house and the plumbing problem and football. And all the while I just wanted to scream with frustration becaause the one thing we need to talk about is us.

I think he’s frightened to because he doesn’t want to hear what I might say.

And I’m frightened to because of his anger.

I want him to ask me what’s wrong; I want him to put his arm round me, hug me and show me he cares; I want him to give me just a slight glimmer of hope.  And yet there’s nothing, nothing except plumbing and football.

And I’ve lost all hope. And it’s been so long that I’m not even sure I could respond, that I even want to respond. I don’t believe he has it in him. He can’t show a glimmer of care; how could he give more?

And I need more.  I need passion.  I need him to show me that I’m worth fighting for.

But he doesn’t.  So I can only conclude that I’m not worth fighting for.

So as we sat there discussing plumbing and children and football, I felt my insides were going to burst out of my body.  I wanted to scream and shout with frustration and anger.

But I didn’t.

I sat there quietly holding it in and wished I was…

Lunching with Another.

 

Post title is a line from a Tone Damli song ‘Stuck in my head’

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