I went out with my closest friend yesterday, a friend who is never frightened of telling me that she thinks I’m wrong.

So when I opened up about my current situation – I’m only just admitting the reality of my life – I was really surprised by her reaction. I expected her to criticise me, my feelings, my actions, but instead she looked at me earnestly and said “You deserve more”.  She echoed the words of my hairdresser, saying how attractive and nice I am; how I wouldn’t have any problem finding somebody else; someone who could give me what she sees I deserve.

So why do I find it so hard to truly believe that I do deserve more?  Why do I feel so undeserving?

She’s the second person to say that to me in as many weeks. The counsellor said I am deserving. But I don’t feel like I am. Why not?

I need to start believing it.  I need to start seeing how ‘abnormal’ my relationship is.

When I got home last night I felt guilty. Guilty that I had betrayed husband by talking to my best friend about him. He was being nice to me. By nice, I mean he spoke to me, didn’t show disapproval and didn’t provoke an argument.  But he didn’t ask me about my day, although he told me about his; he didn’t touch me or kiss me, nor did I expect him to.  Yet for me this was a ‘good’ evening but it’s not the kind of evening I want. I want closeness, intimacy, the feeling that someone cares and is interested in me, a connection, both physical and emotional.

And I need to believe that I deserve this.

But for some reason, I just can’t.