I went to my counselling session last week feeling great, wondering what there was to talk about.

I explained why I was feeling great: husband away at weekend; a chance for us all to relax; a few days, rather than a few stressful hours anticipating his return, to be able to get and maintain a perspective; not responding to the triggers when he returned.  I’d set some boundaries and had managed to maintain them.

And that’s continued.  Instead of absorbing things (I can’t even explain exactly what they are and give them a name), they’ve bounced off me and left me unaffected.

There have been times when I’ve felt the anxiety but I’ve acknowledged this for what it is and got on with things.  I’ve realised that a lot of my reactions are not a result of something tangible but come from a fear of imagined consequences.  In other words, they are in my head and I’m creating the situation based on my past experiences and a desire to avoid similar consequences.

In the first session, the counsellor said it seemed like husband treats me like a child. This made me think of a book that was on my reading list at uni that I bought but never read, ‘Games People Play’ by Eric Berne.  I’d downloaded a sample.  For the first time this week, the counsellor recommended a book. I think you can guess which one.  I downloaded it and have started reading it.  And I can already see that certain triggers send me into ‘child’ mode.  Even though the ‘adult’ me can see the truth of the situation, it is the ‘child’ who reacts.

Every week, I learn so much, gain far greater insight and understanding.

After counselling, I go to yoga.  This week the theme was ‘breaking bad’, in other words, ‘breaking free’.

When everything comes together like this, I can’t help but feel they are signs.

Once I understand the Games, I will be able to ‘play’ more effectively.  I will recognise whether I am responding as a Parent, Adult or Child, perhaps begin to understand why, which hopefully will lead to more satisfying relationships, not just for me but for the other person as well, whoever that might be.

The journey of discovery continues…