Archives for the month of: October, 2014

I’ve been preparing today for tomorrow’s session with the solicitor. It’s scary, and I felt quite emotional as I was doing it because it made me realise how bad things are and how unacceptable it is for me to put up with it.

I’ve been warned that I have a nasty battle ahead, and I’m weary, very weary, because I’m not sleeping properly. I go to bed exhausted but then can’t get to sleep and when I do, I wake up a couple of hours later and lie awake again.  And in the next room I can hear him snoring so he obviously has no problem sleeping.  It doesn’t help that I have no room of my own. I’m sleeping in my daughter’s bed because she’s temporarily moved out. I long to go to bed in a relaxed state of mind and have a satisfying night of refreshing sleep, but at the moment I feel externally aware even when I’m asleep, if that makes sense.  It’s taking its toll – I find it hard to cope during the day, difficult to concentrate on my work, and overwhelmed when I have a minor errand to do. But somehow I’m keeping my head above water.   Just.

Somewhere deep inside me is the knowledge that I can do this.  But it’s scary. In the marriage, I’ve been the driving force, organising and chasing and getting things done.  But I thought that even though I was doing it on my own, I had someone by my side supporting me. In reality, I now realise, I didn’t. It was an illusion.  So now I am really, recognisably on my own.

Whats the difference?

 

 

I have an appointment with a solicitor next week. I’d been stuck for ages, getting frustrated that I couldn’t take the action that I knew was necessary.  Ironically, when he told me he’d taken advice, I was spurred on to take advice of my own.  He’s done me a favour.

For  longer than I care to remember, I’ve been trying to make sense of the situation: why he wants us to stay together but doesn’t want ME.  Something he said made things clearer: ‘I don’t want to live in a flat’.  It’s not about me, it’s about his lifestyle.

So I predict he’s going to make this difficult. And this seems stupid to me. It’s over.  Lets move on with our individual lives because there’s no going back to what we once had many moons ago, in another life.  Why won’t he accept this reality and make it easier for us both?

I’m tired, worn out, exhausted from living in a constant of stress and tension.  I’m existing on less and less sleep.  I’m struggling to function a lot of the time.  I can’t continue like this.

And it can’t be doing him any good either.

So why is he digging his heels in?  Part of me thinks he’s hoping I’ll leave. Then he can stay in ‘his’ house.

Because that’s what he wants.

Not me.

This evening he told me not to bother coming home because I wasn’t welcome here. This followed on from him complaining that I wasn’t home in time to cook his dinner so he could go to the club to watch football.

I was at work!

He said it was my fault he couldn’t go out. I told him I hadn’t stopped him from going out, that he could have cooked his dinner earlier.

But it’s no use.

This morning I was brave. I told him we needed to sell the house so we could both find our own places to live and get on with our lives.  He refused point blank, said I couldn’t make him sell, that he wasn’t leaving, and that he wasn’t going to live in a flat.

He means it.

He’s  not going to be reasonable about this.  He calls me a crazy woman. And oh boy, is he right. I am crazy mad at him for not working with me to put this marriage right. When I tried to sit down to talk about it because I had tried so hard to get him to be part of our relationship without success, he just kept shouting and blaming me.  When I suggested counselling, he said I should go for counselling because I was the one with the problem with the relationship.  It was like talking to a brick wall.  Eventually, I got to the point when I realised it was futile and gave up. Still he made no effort. Then I reached the point where I told him we needed to separate because I was at the end of my tether.  I didn’t get married to be alone, to be in a loveless, sexless marriage where my husband didn’t want to socialise with me or come to our holiday home with me or…  Well you get the picture and I’m sure I’ve said all this before.

So we’re in this non-marriage that is unacceptable to me yet he doesn’t want it to end.  He now says he wants to go to counselling but I’ve gone beyond the point of no-return. During the past three, four, five, six, however many years, I’ve seen no sign that he cares about ME and now I think he only cares about HIM: who will cook his meals and clean his house and organise everything and deal with the paperwork?

And so now I’m the crazy woman.

Today I asked him if he remembered all the times I’d asked him to switch off the TV (it could be on fourteen hours a day) and he said yes.  I asked him why he thought I did that and he said because I wanted us to spend time together.  I asked him whether he turned off the TV and he said no.  What is there not to understand about why I’m completely disillusioned?

But I just don’t think he’ll ever understand.  I’m so lonely in this marriage that I’d rather be alone.  And now he’s accusing me of wanting to break up the family.

When I tried so hard to keep everything together.

And so today I took my biggest step so far.

I phoned a solicitor and said the words I never thought I’d hear myself saying: I want advice about a divorce.

I am trapped in misery.

And I have to get out.

Am I wrong?

He’s trying to exclude me, consciously or unconsciously I don’t know, from my own house.

I no longer sleep in ‘our’ bedroom – I have no bedroom. I sleep on the couch or in my daughter’s bed if she’s not here.  When I moved out of the bedroom, he got rid of the mattress even though it was almost new.  He says he didn’t push me out of the room, but he did keep pushing my pillow half off the bed, and so in the end, I left. I notice that everyone is calling ‘our’ bedroom, ‘his’ bedroom now.  It doesn’t take long. The other day my daughter asked where I wanted her to put something.  ‘On my bed’, I answered. ‘Where do you mean?,’ she asked. Oh well!

I no longer sit in the living room with him. I go out or camp in my daughter’s room. This is what he wanted: having the TV to himself. ‘It’s my TV, I paid for it, I can watch what I want,’ he said a few years back. I want to pull the plug out and say ‘my electricity’ because I pay the bills, but that would be childish and I’m not like that.  So now he’s on his own in the living room and I can tell he’s not happy that I’m not there. I suppose he’s lost some power and control, except that he hasn’t really because he’s indirectly controlling where I am in the house.  How has it come to this?

This morning I needed to go to my wardrobe which is in ‘his’ bedroom. The door was closed but I went in anyway and got my stuff.  When I left, he closed the door immediately. But I needed to go back to put some bits in the laundry basket.  When I left he closed the door immediately.  This is my house too, I feel like screaming.

If I confronted him, he would say that he hasn’t pushed me out the bedroom, or the living room, or anywhere else, but I can see his behaviour is passive aggressive.  And I know it’s very hard to challenge this kind of behaviour because he just says ‘I didn’t tell you to move out of the bedroom’, which is true of course.  But you don’t have to say something to make someone feel they’re not welcome or wanted.  Pushing someone away when they sit next to you on the sofa or when they try to hug you, or refusing to have a physical relationship – nothing was said but the message was delivered and received.  He just doesn’t get it.

And it’s ‘my’ house too.

I keep feeling stuck.

Why?

This is a question I have so much trouble answering.

Is it because I can’t believe that I’m in this situation?  I think so.  I know my situation is intolerable; I know it has to change because there is no turning back the clock; I want it to change.  Every day, the image of my future become more vivid. I can see it; I can feel it.

I want to open the door to my own home, walk into this sanctuary, live my life and be me.  My eldest daughter wants to have friends round for dinner, for parties, to chill. My youngest daughter wants a kitten! I want to have friends round for dinner, for parties, to chill, and I want a kitten too.  Well, it’s not about a kitten; the kitten is just symbolic of the fact that we can’t do or have anything that doesn’t meet with his approval.  I want to close my door and have a sense of relaxation come over me, in place of the stress and tension that overwhelms me at the moment.

I have to believe the reality of my current situation and dispose of my belief that it is possible to remedy all problems, including a failing relationship. Because the truth is  that it takes two to repair a relationship and no matter how determined one person is, they just cannot do it on their own.

And, in any case, for me it’s now too late to repair it.

So why am I stuck?

I know what my next step is: I have to put the options to him that either he buys me out of the house or we sell it and I get my half.  But I know this is going to be met with resistance and who knows what else.  I fear what I might unleash.

This is real, this is happening to me.

But it still takes time to believe.

It’s started and it’s nothing less than I expected.

We had a joint savings account mature. He closed it, saying he’d give half the money to me.  That was about a month ago and, guess what, no money was forthcoming.

Yesterday I plucked up the courage to ask him for my share so that I could invest it.  He refused.  He said it was his money.  His TV, his house, his money – where does his crazy sense of entitlement come from?  He blamed me for the breakdown of the relationship. Yawn – I’ve heard it all before.

Last week, I would have got emotional and tearful, but yesterday I got plain crazy, stark staring bonkers raving crazy. I’m sick to death of this.

So I’ve begun my list of 5 examples of unreasonable behaviour.

I hope that HIS money and HIS TV make him very happy.

I’ve got my daughters and my friends and my future to look forward to.

Rant over [smile]

It’s taking me a long time to get from A to B. I know where B is but I don’t know how I’m going to get there – it all seems a bit overwhelming. However, I’m not putting any pressure on myself, figuring that I need to wait until I feel the time is right to take each step; then allowing myself to get my head around it before I take the next one.

Last week I told him I wanted a divorce. It was the first time I’d said the D word. As usual, my words didn’t make any impact, other than the usual torrent of anger and blame. After two hours of verbal abuse, I walked out because I couldn’t take it any longer. I’m fed up with being forced out of my home to escape the misery. This should be a place of sanctuary. Then he went on holiday for a few days and I could relax, we could relax: my elder daughter came back home, the living room was ours again, I didn’t have to worry about doing one of the seemingly endless things that upset him, it was a different place.  And I began to like my home again.

But…

My daughters and I need to live like this all the time so while he was away I got the house valued.  I need to start working out my finances. I told my elder daughter I was getting it valued and she was all for the idea: she said we’d manage in a one bedroom flat if we had to. Except that wouldn’t be fair on any of us, and I don’t want my actions to have a negative impact on my children. The good news is that the house is worth more than I anticipated and I think I’ll be able to afford a two bedroom flat.

Her response when I told her was “you need to sell it so we can move out and live happily”.

Today I feel that I’ve taken a positive step on the path from A to B, and I know that, when the time is right, I’ll be able to take the next step.

And I don’t think it will be long.