Archives for posts with tag: frustration

I survived yesterday’s lunch with husband.

But it was hard.

There’s obviously so much wrong with our relationship and yet he doesn’t say anything.  I’m obviously not myself and yet he doesn’t say anything.  He’s obviously not happy and yet he doesn’t say anything.

And I can’t.  I can’t because whenever I’ve tried to discuss it in the past, I’ve been silenced, silenced by anger and recriminations. So I’m afraid to say anything.

So we talked about the children and the house and the plumbing problem and football. And all the while I just wanted to scream with frustration becaause the one thing we need to talk about is us.

I think he’s frightened to because he doesn’t want to hear what I might say.

And I’m frightened to because of his anger.

I want him to ask me what’s wrong; I want him to put his arm round me, hug me and show me he cares; I want him to give me just a slight glimmer of hope.  And yet there’s nothing, nothing except plumbing and football.

And I’ve lost all hope. And it’s been so long that I’m not even sure I could respond, that I even want to respond. I don’t believe he has it in him. He can’t show a glimmer of care; how could he give more?

And I need more.  I need passion.  I need him to show me that I’m worth fighting for.

But he doesn’t.  So I can only conclude that I’m not worth fighting for.

So as we sat there discussing plumbing and children and football, I felt my insides were going to burst out of my body.  I wanted to scream and shout with frustration and anger.

But I didn’t.

I sat there quietly holding it in and wished I was…

Lunching with Another.

 

Post title is a line from a Tone Damli song ‘Stuck in my head’

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I didn’t sleep well last night, needless to say, and then this morning I tried to engage in a calm and rational discussion about our situation but it quickly descended into another argument.

He refuses to seek outside help – I think he would benefit from discussing his take on things with a third party but, being a typical man, he is adamant that he won’t.  He says that if we can’t discuss and sort things out between us, with no outside intervention, then there’s no point continuing.  He says I should seek help because I’m the one with the problem.  I told him that I already had, which shocked him.  I read some extracts from Andrew G Marshall’s books which explain my feelings and got quite emotional when doing so.  I think that had a slight impact.

Now he’s gone out and I feel exhausted.  I’m also back to feeling guilty and to blame – which is not a good place to be.

I’m furious at some of the things he complained about, namely:

The fact that my sister came round last week and I didn’t tell him she was coming.  It was arranged about an hour before and he was at work.  Incidentally, my sister commented that she hadn’t set foot inside our house for ages.

The fact that I use my phone a lot.  Yes, that’s true, because I have apps with errands lists, shopping lists, reminders, calendars – so I’m generally just organising the smooth-running of the household.  And I do look at Facebook and check emails as well but only once or twice a day.

The fact that he feels excluded.  How many times do we have to go through this one?  I pointed out that when he comes in, he doesn’t even say ‘hello’ and that this is a small indication of how he is excluding himself.

The fact that I don’t physically go to the supermarket but order online instead, a process which saves money because you stick to your list, and is of course convenient.

And ones where I can see his point but I have my reasons for doing them:

I read.  Yes, true.  But probably for a maximum of one hour a day, usually when he’s watching TV, and not every day.  Reading is a solitary pastime, unless you discuss what you read, but he’s not interested.

I go dancing without him.  Yes, true.  But he refuses to come and I enjoy it and when I stopped going, I just sat at home whilst he watched TV before falling asleep and then waking up and going to bed.  He says we don’t go out together because I go out alone.  No, no, no.  I go our alone because he doesn’t want to go out together.  In fact, he’d said he wanted to see a play and I booked the tickets, not wanting to miss this rare opportunity, but he didn’t acknowledge or thank me for doing this.  Not that I’m bothered about being thanked anymore.

I go to the gym.  Yes, true.  I want to remain fit and active for as long as possible so I do yoga for well-being and pilates for mobility and to delay joint and muscular problems.  I do other stuff to tone me up, keep me in shape and to enhance my cardio-vascular system.  Surely that’s better than sitting on the sofa eating junk food and putting on weight?  Incidentally, just last week, he commented that I wasn’t back to my pre-baby weight!

I am so frustrated that everything is being turned against me.

I’m wondering if he’s passive-aggressive.

Would a life without him be easier than a life with him?

I’m drained.