Archives for posts with tag: Katy Perry

The past few days, it’s been as if a switch has been flicked in my head. When I became aware of how husband affects my behaviour and thoughts even when he’s not there, I realised just how ludicrous the situation had become and how it had to stop.

I was chatting to a friend at the weekend and she looked at me and said earnestly “There’s nothing wrong with the things you want to do.  They are perfectly normal.” as if trying to get a child to understand.   And of course I know she’s right but my thinking has got so skewed that I’ve taken on board everything husband has told me until I no longer trust my own judgement.

I read somewhere about wearing an elasticated bracelet and every time you have a negative thought you switch it to the other wrist.  So that’s what I’ve been doing. And surprisingly, it’s working.

The act of recognising the thought and switching the bracelet stops me from taking the thought on board; in fact, it just stops the thought altogether.  And because I’m not processing the thought and allowing it to have a detrimental effect on me, I’m feeling stronger, empowered.

So when husband tried to provoke an argument last night, it just didn’t work. I didn’t feel weak and on the defensive but strong and detached.  The argument didn’t happen, he fell asleep and then took himself off to bed without saying goodnight.

His life and his unhappiness are his choice; my life and my happiness are mine.  I am not responsible for him, no matter how much he blames me.  But I am responsible for me and I intend to stand up for my life and not feel guilty and ashamed.

And I look at moany, miserable husband, blaming everyone else for his unhappiness.

And I feel sorry for him.

Because whatever happens, I know I will end up a stronger and happier person, surrounded by my supportive friends and loving children.

And he will end up alone.

The title of this post comes from Katy Perry’s song ‘Roar’, which should be every abused woman’s anthem.  Come on ladies, it’s time to ROAR!

I had another appointment with the counsellor today and when I came out Katy Perry’s ‘Roar’ was playing on the radio – how appropriate.

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar

Today we considered the conflict in my head and why I feel the need for husband’s approval, to the point where I will stop being myself in order to please him.  My rational mind knows it’s all right to be me yet there’s an illogical part pulling in the opposite direction.  I came to the conclusion that if I’m seriously contemplating walking out of this ‘marriage’, then why am I still so bothered about what he thinks.  Why do I tread on eggshells trying to keep the peace?  Why do I fear arguments?  What am I scared will happen if I allow myself to be me?  I can’t give any sane answer to these questions!  He is using my fears to control me – and I am allowing this to happen.

So during the forthcoming week before my next appointment, I am going to give myself permission to be me.  I am going to honour myself.  It doesn’t matter about the consequences – who knows, there might not be any – but if there are, I am strong enough to deal with them. 

I am not responsible for husband’s feelings, nor can I make them ‘better’.  He has to take responsibility for them and deal with them himself.

I’ve put a daily reminder in my phone, which says ‘Be true to yourself‘.  This is what I’m going to practise this week.

I’m dancing through the fire.