Archives for posts with tag: well being

My youngest daughter was unhappy the other day.  I asked her why and she told me that dad had been acting aggressively and she’d been scared.  I still don’t know the exact details but he had been drinking and apparently locked her in the back garden for 45 minutes because she spilt some sugar.  When my eldest daughter got in from work, he had face cream smeared on his face like tribal paint.

We we need to be out of this situation as soon as possible. The house sale and my new purchase are moving far too slowly, in fact no progress seems to be being made.  He has made offers on five properties and withdrawn all of them.  He’s on various medication and is drinking on top of that. Yesterday his drinking started at 10 o’clock in the morning.  It is evident to me that he is depressed.

I can’t have my daughter scared when he is with her but I need to go out to work. So I had no choice but to confront him. I asked him what had happened the day before. He got angry and warned me not to start. I pointed out that I wasn’t ‘starting’ but had simply asked him a question. I was calm. He wouldn’t tell me. I said that she had been scared and that was unacceptable and that he should consider the effect of his actions on and the feelings of his children.  He told me I was ‘high and mighty’ and that I had ‘put the events in motion’, that I was ‘to blame’ by filing for divorce.  At one time, I would have been enraged by this and fought back, but I no longer care. I know the truth. I’d made my point and I hoped that a little part of it would sink in and cause him to reconsider his behaviour.

Our elder daughter says she never wants to see him again. If he’s not careful, our younger daughter will take the same line.  And I think that’s sad because I might not want him as my husband but he is still their father.

Our younger daughter has said she would like me to meet someone else. She realises that this has not been a proper relationship, she says she thinks of me as single, feels I deserve more and, as she put it, she doesn’t want me ‘to die alone’!  I’m glad she recognises that the relationship is not ‘normal’.

Yesterday my my daughters went shopping together. They bought me a dress and a card with a lovely message of encouragement and support in it because they recognise that I have been feeling down. And they’re right: the days when I’m feeling low are becoming more and more frequent. But when I stayed at a friend’s place while they were on holiday, I quickly bounced back to my normal self so I know that this is only temporary. But I’m fed up with feeling tired and stressed when I’m in my own home.  It wasn’t until I was away that I realised how my body is in a permanent state of fight or flight and this can’t be any good for me.

The situation is driving me crazy.

But hopefully it won’t be long.

And in the meantime I can continue…

Dancing with another.

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It’s 10 days since I instructed my solicitor to proceed with my divorce.  It was the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make in my life: it’s final, there’s no going back once the wheels are set in motion.

I was afraid: afraid of what I might unleash, afraid of the impact on my children, afraid that I was being selfish and thinking only of myself, afraid that I would regret it. So I kept postponing the inevitable. Even though I knew it was inevitable.

And then the moment came when it couldn’t be postponed anymore. I’d kept waiting for me ‘to come to my senses’ as I referred to it; to take up the fight for my relationship once again, to try harder, better, stronger to make it work. But it takes TWO, and there was only one, me.

I felt sick at what I was doing but there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough.

And so I did.

I felt lousy and I expected this feeling to continue and get worse.

But so far it hasn’t.

How do I feel?  Relief, strength, excitement for the future.  I feel as if a burden has been lifted from my shoulders, a shackle has been removed from my leg, chains that were holding me back have been cut. And now I keep waiting for these feelings to pass and for fear and dread and despair to replace them.  But they haven’t so far and perhaps they never will.  And if they do, then I will remember what led me to my decision, and how I did not make it lightly, and I will take responsibility for my life and my happiness.  And I know I have the resources and the resilience to do this. So I needn’t worry.

And now I’m wondering why I was so scared and why I waited so long.

When I knew it was inevitable.

I keep feeling stuck.

Why?

This is a question I have so much trouble answering.

Is it because I can’t believe that I’m in this situation?  I think so.  I know my situation is intolerable; I know it has to change because there is no turning back the clock; I want it to change.  Every day, the image of my future become more vivid. I can see it; I can feel it.

I want to open the door to my own home, walk into this sanctuary, live my life and be me.  My eldest daughter wants to have friends round for dinner, for parties, to chill. My youngest daughter wants a kitten! I want to have friends round for dinner, for parties, to chill, and I want a kitten too.  Well, it’s not about a kitten; the kitten is just symbolic of the fact that we can’t do or have anything that doesn’t meet with his approval.  I want to close my door and have a sense of relaxation come over me, in place of the stress and tension that overwhelms me at the moment.

I have to believe the reality of my current situation and dispose of my belief that it is possible to remedy all problems, including a failing relationship. Because the truth is  that it takes two to repair a relationship and no matter how determined one person is, they just cannot do it on their own.

And, in any case, for me it’s now too late to repair it.

So why am I stuck?

I know what my next step is: I have to put the options to him that either he buys me out of the house or we sell it and I get my half.  But I know this is going to be met with resistance and who knows what else.  I fear what I might unleash.

This is real, this is happening to me.

But it still takes time to believe.

I’ve not been posting much recently. Why?

Because I’ve been doing a lot of learning and thinking and implementing. The counselling is really helping. Every week I have another lightbulb moment.

Also I’m not being emotionally abused.

I started to doubt that I ever was, that it was all a figment of my imagination.

Then I realised that I’m not being abused because I’m not allowing myself to be abused.  I seem to have adjusted my thinking, altered my responses and constructed a force field around me, which any attempted attacks cannot penetrate.

And it’s been very effective.

I’m feeling strong. I’m feeling equal.

The eggshells are broken.

And I don’t care.

 

 

I went to my counselling session last week feeling great, wondering what there was to talk about.

I explained why I was feeling great: husband away at weekend; a chance for us all to relax; a few days, rather than a few stressful hours anticipating his return, to be able to get and maintain a perspective; not responding to the triggers when he returned.  I’d set some boundaries and had managed to maintain them.

And that’s continued.  Instead of absorbing things (I can’t even explain exactly what they are and give them a name), they’ve bounced off me and left me unaffected.

There have been times when I’ve felt the anxiety but I’ve acknowledged this for what it is and got on with things.  I’ve realised that a lot of my reactions are not a result of something tangible but come from a fear of imagined consequences.  In other words, they are in my head and I’m creating the situation based on my past experiences and a desire to avoid similar consequences.

In the first session, the counsellor said it seemed like husband treats me like a child. This made me think of a book that was on my reading list at uni that I bought but never read, ‘Games People Play’ by Eric Berne.  I’d downloaded a sample.  For the first time this week, the counsellor recommended a book. I think you can guess which one.  I downloaded it and have started reading it.  And I can already see that certain triggers send me into ‘child’ mode.  Even though the ‘adult’ me can see the truth of the situation, it is the ‘child’ who reacts.

Every week, I learn so much, gain far greater insight and understanding.

After counselling, I go to yoga.  This week the theme was ‘breaking bad’, in other words, ‘breaking free’.

When everything comes together like this, I can’t help but feel they are signs.

Once I understand the Games, I will be able to ‘play’ more effectively.  I will recognise whether I am responding as a Parent, Adult or Child, perhaps begin to understand why, which hopefully will lead to more satisfying relationships, not just for me but for the other person as well, whoever that might be.

The journey of discovery continues…

The break is over and it was fantastic!

Why?

Because I could completely relax.  I didn’t have to worry about doing or saying the wrong thing.  I didn’t have to worry about being disapproved of.  I didn’t have to worry about treading on eggshells.  I didn’t have to worry about predicting someone else’s reactions.  I didn’t have to cope with someone else’s moods and negativity.  I didn’t have to apologise for being me.

I spent three weeks with my 17 year old daughter and we both had a wonderful time.  We were together 24/7 and we got on brilliantly.  We were spontaneous.  We took no notice of the time.  We laughed and enjoyed ourselves.  We ate out, we slept when we wanted to, we went dancing, we listened to music, we painted the house.  It was so easy.

Husband and I had no contact.  He didn’t text me and I didn’t text him.  I had a warmer welcome back from my dancing friend than I did him.

When I was away, I felt liberated, free to be myself, and it was wonderful.

But now it’s back to the same old…

And I’m on edge, but fighting the feeling, reminding myself that there’s nothing wrong with living and being happy.

Life is precious and must be celebrated!